Updated: 13th November 2019
Paul Maxben is a blog journal about Paul & Max. We are lovers, a gay couple. Well, fuck what others may religiously or pig-ignorantly say about homosexuality. Love is love, it just is.
Those desert fairy tales where snakes can talk and donkeys can talk and fly are plain men-made bullshit when it comes to homosexuality. But thanks to science that gayness in its most essential respect, is epigenetic.
It’s also a gladness to learn that the native Americans – the Red Indians, who are known for their spirituality in mother nature – considered that gayness is sacred and that a gay person is a “Two-Spirit people”.
In actual fact, nature does exist. While a sky daddy on the other hand, is fictional.
I am Paul.
Maxben, or Max, or Ben, is my boyfriend whose actual name is Benhor Hontor.
Ben is a Catholic Priest currently serving in Sacred Heart Parish Cathedral, Kota Kinabalu. Ben admires Saint Maxmilliano Kolbe, so he took up the name Maxmilliano. Hence his name, Father Maxmilliano Benhor Hontor. Whatever the spelling may be… Maxmilliano… Maxmillianno… Maxmiliano…whatever.
The saint puts on a rounded shape glass and since Ben also wears a glass, he puts on a rounded shape speck too, just like the saint he admires much.
*Update: In October 2019, Ben switched to a square-shaped glass. Pretty sure he tries to avoid being recognized that he is THAT Ben in our video-calling screenshots.
Ben goes by the name of Father Max everywhere he goes and everyone recognizes him as Father Max or Fr. Max Benhor Hontor.
Between me and Ben, I call him by names like Angkel Ben, Ben or Ben dear.
Angkel literally means Uncle. So it’s Uncle Ben. And Ben, by blood, is my uncle, from my dad’s side. And I am his nephew.
Our love affair is pretty much of an incest I’d say and shit, this sounds kinda fucked up but verily, the bloodline is rather a distant already because it is my grandmother who is related to Ben’s mother. They aren’t siblings, they are cousins.
It’s pretty much of special love affair between me & Ben. He is a Catholic priest and he is also my uncle, and I am his nephew. But love is love. It’s kind of funny think about this sometimes, I mean, how love brought us together.
Love is a weird shit but I really love Ben, I really do.
How we met.
Back in 2013, I used to go to the church a lot and I was so darn devoted to the Christian god but I’ve been an Atheist since 2016, or in 2017 perhaps, nah, I can’t really remember.
Tap back 2013, my cousin told me about a relative who is going to be ordained as a priest. I was like “Oh, okay” and I didn’t give a shit about it at all.
Then one day, as usual, I went to the small chapel at Sacred Heart Parish Cathedral Kota Kinabalu for the Holy Hour, there I saw the relative that my cousin told me about – Ben. I greeted him, “Hi Uncle Ben”. And perhaps some tiny bits of the chapel’s magical dust sprinkled on us and we started to get in touch with one another.
Ben was not a love at first sight. We were only friends. We had a normal relative relationship, a normal uncle and nephew relationship.
That time, Ben was serving as a deacon in St. Peter Claver Catholic Church in Ranau and occasionally he comes down to KK for the church works. Our friendship was strong that I often drove hours to Ranau to pick him up whenever he said he’s coming down to KK. Then I drove him back to Ranau again.
After a while, a love started to spark its light. I fell in love with Ben, but I kept my quiet.
He was so cute, and still he is. I am melted.
The love tale.
Ben a was ordained as a Catholic priest in 2014. He was then transferred from St. Peter Claver Catholic Church in Ranau to St. John Catholic Church in Tuaran.
He may not be handsome but I fell in love with his heart, his personality, his voice, his smile, his laugh, his shortness. I loved everything about him, I still do.
He likes to be funny. He tells jokes. Honestly, I kind of like forcing myself to laugh at his not-so-funny jokes. I just wanted to see his smile. He is cuter when smiles.
I was afraid to tell to him that I fell in love with him because I was afraid if he is not a gay. Then one night in 2015, Ben brought me up to the quiet Logkou Hill. We sat on a bench under a tree overlooking a night landscape of the small towns below while drinking some cold beers. We talked, chit-chatted.
Then suddenly… Ben asked me, “Are you gay?”. My heart pumped, I thought, “Oh shit. He realized it?”. But I answered him, “No.”
Ben smiled and he said, “You’re a gay right?”. I said, “No, I’m not. But… I really like you.”. I tried to twist things a bit and said, “If you were a girl, I would have kissed you already because I like you.”
To my surprise, Ben replied, “Kiss me.”
My heart pounded. I paused. Shit. But I was happy as fuck.
Ben said again, “Kiss la.”
My heart pounded so fast I couldn’t even breathe. I cannot believe what I just heard.
Without saying a word, I kissed Ben. And Ben kissed me back, tenderly. Without a word from neither Ben nor me, we hugged and kissed each other intimately. We were kissing for like 5 minutes and there I knew that Ben is a gay like me too.
We stopped kissing in a kind of cute and shy way. I said to Ben, “I love you. It’s been long since I loved you. I really love you”. Ben answered me, “I love you too.”, as he stared me gently in the eyes. He then said, “I am a gay too.”
I held his hand.
We then kissed again but for a short while and stayed quiet while we held each other’s hands.
I met my love, Max Benhor Hontor. And he met his love, me. We became lovers since.
We kept our love a secret because Ben is a Catholic priest. Ben doesn’t come from a wealthy family. His priesthood’s privileges and the money given to him by parishioners, these support him a lot. If people found out about us, Ben could be terminated from his priesthood.
We do what lovers do. Making love. The intimacy.
We went out for meals and movies most of the time. We hung out in places. We shared stories and expressed things about our lives. As lovers.
And like any other lovers, we do what lovers do.
We often kiss.
We had sex. Making love flesh to flesh every once in awhile.
We gave each other intimate lollipops, every once in a while.
We had our intimacies most the time in Ben’s car and sometimes in mine, and of course at night time. We went up on quiet hills like Logkou Hill and Sugud Hill to spend our time together where we dated and shared stories and laughed and be ever closer to one another.
All our love makings happened without planning, it’s all out of love, unplanned. Well, butt has a g-spot and it’s also where the poops come out so we used condoms for hygiene, pre-readied in the bag. Except for our lollipop moments, it’s a flesh-to-flesh contact. Creamy.
Then, a stupid fight broke out.
Ben dumped me like a garbage in all of a sudden.
I fought for the relationship, I fought hard for it.
He blocked all communications. He refused to meet. I trusted Ben too much I used all the words of hell when I texted him as I was pissed. Back when we were together, I was always like that, he used to it because he knows deeply that I was merely saying things out of anger but never intending a shit, but, unexpectedly, he used that as an advantage, he got the cops on me and used the court on me, to get rid of me.
So I came out of the closet – that I am a gay. And my technically ex-boyfriend is my own uncle who is also a Catholic priest, Fr. Max Benhor Hontor.
PaulMaxben.com is a tale of love and resentment. This love and this resentment will turn into songs moving forward. I don’t mind being looked on as the bad guy while Ben is being sympathized.
But love broke me in the most hideous and tormenting way and it hurts like hell that I feel like climbing up a cliff and leap to my death but shit I love Ben still, I love him way too much that if I die, I want to die with him.
I guess I’ll suffer till the end then.
“To love each other through it all” is a promise between me and Ben. I’ll keep the promise alive though he broke it dead like it was nothing.
Ben, all that I had written and will continue to write here are letters to you too. Somewhere between this hate and anger in me is an ocean deep love I still have for you. I still care. I am that fucking stupid. Fuck me right, Ben?
One day, we’ll have wings. We’ll soar the sky and hover over the waters of the brightest and blackest paradise. It’ll be a red sunset of a forlorn love.
Sacred Heart Cathedral Parish, Kota Kinabalu.
Katedral Hati Kudus, Kota Kinabalu.
St. Paul Catholic Church Dontozidon, Penampang.
St. Peter Claver Catholic Church, Ranau.
St. John Catholic Church, Tuaran.
Our Lady Queen of Peace Catholic Church, Kobusak.
St. John The Baptist Catholic Church, Kopungit.
Catholic priest, Reverend Fr. Maxmilliano (Max) Benhor Hontor.