You left. You keep your secrets far too expertly the way you keep our relationship a secret from the ears and eyes of everyone else and I don’t even know why you left.
Is it be because you want to focus on your Catholic priesthood? Or because you have someone new, a new lover? I don’t know.
I guess I had always been that piece of fucking garbage that you had always wanted to trash away.
What… or who… are you hiding?
When we were together, you seemed to hide something or may be someone from me. I always had that feeling you were in another love relationship with someone else besides me. I don’t know. It felt and it still feels like it.
I remember the night when I went with you in your car – your nice church-sponsored Toyota Vigo SAA6620K – to St Paul Catholic Church Dontozidon.
You had a Mass to give so as usual I stayed in your car and while in your car, I searched for anything fishy… but I found none. And then a thought popped in head, “May be because the Bishop and other priests also get into the car sometimes so Ben has to keep it neat and clean”.
“Neat and clean”, I mean, in a “nothing sinny” sense.
After the Mass, you returned to the car and looked at me in the eyes as if you knew I was searching for something and you asked, “What? You were looking for a condom right?”, I said, “Ya, who knows”. And you gave me that cute despising look and sighed.
You started the engine and we left St. Paul, we headed to a coffee shop in Towering. After our supper and chats, we headed for Sacred Heart Parish Cathedral Kota Kinabalu, back to your rectory.
While you were driving, you asked, “Do you think I am like that?”
I answered, “I don’t know, you’re the type who keep secrets so well so I don’t know.”
Then you held my hand. Tightly.
But still, I don’t know.
I doubted. I still do.
I remember this and it hurts a lot.
Ben, I remember that “mistaken or may be on purpose” Messenger screenshot you sent me with that boy’s name “M….. V..” on it. I know who he is. He’s a pretty good-looking altar boy I once met when you were still serving in St John Catholic Church, Tuaran.
No wonder. Sometimes when I tried to video call you on Messenger, you were “on another call” for a very, very long time, most of the time.Shit, now my head is all fucked up again thinking about it just to write this. But fuck it, my head is always a total messed up in jealousy and uncertainty.
You got angry at me for all my assumptions but the truth is, you were the one who left me hanging and stuck in somewhere, nowhere, questioning everything and overthinking about everything. You were the one who was never transparent. And you’re always the type who “has no feeling” and “has no remorse”.
I’m guessing that first you gave me love and convinced me that you love me, and then you got bored, and then you dumped me. And perhaps your priest title is the main shine that attracts more people into your life and hence comes all the more handsome faces you found to be sweet… a kind of handsomeness and sweetness you wanted to get in touch with. I don’t now.
But yeah, I am not surprised if you buy him or ‘hims’ meals and beers and movies and gifts and hang out somewhere quiet. You gave me all that too remember? Thanks for the expensive phone too, Ben. Strangely it malfunctioned right on the day you left me back in March 2018 but I still keep it with me till this very day.
But remember this, I love you not for your priest title not its money nor its privileges. I was there with you even before your became a priest. I was there loving you even when you had nothing. Nah, may be you are the one using your priest title and its money and its privileges to buy a new lover. Potentially. Because you were kind of egoistic with your priest title, it shows right after 2 months since you earned that title.
Sorry Ben, I’m not able to unlove you the way you unloved me.
I’m still here, keeping our promise, to never leave each other, to keep on loving each other, no matter what.
I don’t know.
But it’s clear and it’s shown that you don’t care at all. Of course, because you broke the promise.
You keep your secrets far too well but Ben, if you really want to concentrate on your priesthood, I’m good with that, but I doubt this anyway… because being together in love with you for 3 years, you’re the type who wants to be loved but you just never express it out verbally, you expressed things through emotions, you behave it out.
So, if we managed to keep our love hidden, if we manage to keep our love a secret for 3 long years, then it’s without a doubt that you will be able to do this again… and again… and again, with someone else. I don’t know, but rather, I’m somewhat sure.
Well then, are you going to play with someone else’s heart like you played mine? Only you have the answer. If you’re going to have sex with him or ‘hims’ like you had it all with me, who am to stop you? I’ll be jealous of course. But what can I do? Nothing. It’s your dick, it’s your body, it’s your mouth, that I once had.
But one thing I know for sure is that I fell in love with a mysterious dwarf who cast a powerful love spell on me now I can’t even unlove him not even one bit. And that dwarf is you, Benhor Hontor.
But yeah, you cute little baby dwarfy, you broke me. You broke me like hell. All these pains are hurting me deep within it’s fucking agonizing I always scream in my pillows just to ease away the pains but they always return to me some seconds later. You broke me so fucking badly, Max Benhor Hontor.
But, I’m going to love anyways. I’m going to love you more and more and more, every single day. I love you Ben, I really do. I’m loyal, unlike you. But I’m not surprised that you are not loyal, disloyalty runs in your blood, it’s genetic, you do know what I mean… and may I say, look at your siblings.
As for me, I’m glad that disloyalty isn’t in my blood. Being loyal is hurting me as fuck, fuck it but fuck it not, for it’s a rare attribute not everyone has.
A love note to you, Max Benhor Hontor.
Be proud of who you are Ben, we are the work of nature. We were born with this irreversible disposition and it was never a choice. Stop denying who you truly are just to please some stupid and made-up beliefs and doctrines and laws you were indoctrinated into. In the end, science leaps and fairy tales ceased.
Being gay is never wrong, love is never wrong, though love broke and wound me like some fucking sad songs.
I love you 3000, Ben. I miss you like hell though it hurts like hell. Take care, my little Ben dear.
Looking back on our memories, I miss our video-calling kisses. I miss our kisses.
Sacred Heart Cathedral Parish, Kota Kinabalu.
Katedral Hati Kudus, Kota Kinabalu.
St. Paul Catholic Church Dontozidon, Penampang.
St. Peter Claver Catholic Church, Ranau.
St. John Catholic Church, Tuaran.
Our Lady Queen of Peace Catholic Church, Kobusak.
St. John The Baptist Catholic Church, Kopungit.
Catholic priest, Reverend Fr. Maxmilliano (Max) Benhor Hontor.