I truly miss all our times together Ben. When you were transferred to Sacred Heart Parish Cathedral Kota Kinabalu, we usually went out on Sunday nights.
I remember you told me this, “I transferred to KK so that we can heal our relationship”. But did you? Well, that’s another conversation we’ll save for another day.
So where were we, Ben?
We used to have our dinner either at the coffee shop in Bornean Foh Sang for the aunty’s tasty Bak Kut Teh or at that cozy corner coffee shop near the housing in Lido, opposite Venition.
And often after dinner we hanged out somewhere quiet. Somewhere only you and I alone… on a hill, often at Sugud Hill… dating… holding hands… and all the intimate kisses and all the great romances of making love, two become one. Love was good.
Sometimes I think it’s a little funny you know… on Sunday mornings, you are the Celebrant in a Holy Mass as a Catholic priest, as Fr. Max Benhor Hontor. And then later at night, we celebrate our love… with you, being just you, Ben.
Only the night stars and the cold winds were the witnesses to our intimate love. I will always remember how good each of the love felt.
But sadly, you left me a year ago. You dumped me.
The last time we were together was either on 4th or 11th March 2018. I can’t recall it but I think it should be on the 4th because the next day was Monday, it’s when you and some other visiting priests from Penang went for some sort of a vacation retreat in Bundu Tuhan and Ranau.
And shit happened on that very day. You left me that Monday.
You know what Ben? Until this very day, I’m constantly wondering if I was the only one who has seen and felt the “all of you” – your body, your nakedness, your love and your sex. I wonder if I was the only one you ever made love to. I don’t know. Only you knew.
At these thoughts, of course, I’ll get jealous, until this very day. I’m guessing that it isn’t love if I don’t.
Now more than a year has passed, may be you thought I have forgotten about you. No, Ben. Not a second. You have always been my very first thought in the morning and the very last one each night. I love you more and more every single day at each second passes. But I’ll get angry at times though. It’s a mixed feeling of love and rage.
Well, people will say whatever the fuck they want. Fuck what they say. They don’t fucking matter. Just like I don’t matter to you anymore Ben, I know. But you still matter to me, you matter the most to me Ben.
I’m keeping the promise we made to each other that night on Logkou Hill, Ben – “To always love each other no matter what happens, through it all”. Though you broke the promise, I’ll continue this journey with or without you, it’s journey of loving you though we are far apart. Because promise is a promise no matter how small.
Shit. I sound pretty obsessive…but I know how much you… *sigh*… used to love me back then. Love was good. Was.
It’s 10.39pm now. 7th July 2019. There are 17 days to go till your birthday, you’re turning 42 this year. Anyway, just know that I will always and always love you, Ben dear.
I love you.
Sacred Heart Cathedral Parish, Kota Kinabalu.
Katedral Hati Kudus, Kota Kinabalu.
St. Paul Catholic Church Dontozidon, Penampang.
St. Peter Claver Catholic Church, Ranau.
St. John Catholic Church, Tuaran.
Our Lady Queen of Peace Catholic Church, Kobusak.
St. John The Baptist Catholic Church, Kopungit.
Catholic priest, Reverend Fr. Maxmilliano (Max) Benhor Hontor.